Thursday, April 26, 2007


I've never been a Bible-bangin' preacher. I have often felt uncomfortable in situations where others stand up and "Praise Jesus!"

I have liked Catholic church though, even though I don't go all the time. Something about the structure of the ceremony calms me down.

I love the rosary. To me, it's a form of meditation and it has made me feel good. I've always liked Mary. I now simply must have a rosary when I get on a plane. It comforts me.

I am not atheist. I am not agnostic. I actually understand what it is all about.

The biggest revelation to me is the concept of faith. From all my readings, this is the crux of the matter. To me, the nexus of the universe revolves around this point.

Faith is believing without proof. Most times, those with questions say they want a sign, something to make them believe.

This is the plan. As it works, you must believe based on just about nothing. Whatever your beliefs, it is all hearsay. Someone else is telling the story.

That's where He gets you. He won't give proof, but He wants you to believe without any. If you can believe in him on faith alone, He's got you. That's my proof.

It's circular logic. At best, it skirts the issue. But that's the beauty of it.

If there was a sign, who wouldn't accept Him? If He mystically blared a trumpet, declaring His presence, for just the sign that we should all listen, then it is way too easy. And if we had a sign the opposite way, that there was nothing behind this, then why would we bother at all?

That's how I know that He really is there. He is so smart that He realizes those that believe in Him without proof, already have the proof.

Faith is finicky that way, and it is hard to accept. I have accepted it after long years of wondering. I have screamed at the stars and asked for a sign. I have cursed sometimes while wondering, "Why?" I have thanked Him at the best of times. Free will allows this. And when free will allows for that acceptance of this concept of faith, well, then you're in.

You still won't catch me jumping up at a sermon and howling, "Praise Jesus!" You will still see me fidget when people want to bring religion into secular situations. You will see me cringe when the Bible is quoted blindly and applied incorrectly.

My faith allows that. I understand why He wants faith, and it is blind. It is reaching out, blindly, for nothing there, and somehow, you hold something.

Tennyson wrote in In Memoriam, which I used for my Masters degree: "There is more faith in honest doubt, believe me, than in half the creeds."

Therefore, I have faith because of my doubt. My doubt, my longing for a sign, helps me understand the concept of faith; therefore, I believe.

Well, I understand it.

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