Joe Underwood

I graduated in 1991 from Somonauk High School from the little Midwestern town of Somonauk, Illinois. I graduated #2 in the class. Even though I now live in Bremerton, Washington (and that's another big story), my folks still live in that little town.

Through high school I was friends with a guy named Joe Underwood. Maybe not the best of friends, but I spent the night at his house once or twice and talked comics with him (he was an Avengers and Captain America fan; I was an X-fan and DC fan). It was a small school so we were all pretty tight. Our graduating class was 48. If I tried, I could probably name each and every one of them. I still know where some of them are in life.

One of my senior pictures in the yearbook is me on the stairs next to Mark Vermeland and Joe Underwood. Around our picture, it listed our school accomplishments. Joe, Mark, and I were on the same golf team for four years.

One day senior year, Joe is sitting next to me in the cafeteria before classes start. We are both in our blue and gold letterman jackets. He tells me he doesn't want his comics anymore and if I wanted them I could come get them. I started salivating. I couldn't resist. Even though they were Avengers and Captain America, I said yes. He said good because he knew I would take care of them. I didn't know what he meant. I went and got the two or three boxes of comics that week.

During my first year in college, I thought I was being big man and drove the half hour eery day to Northern Illinois University. I didn't want to go to community college which was where Joe went. I thought it beneath me. I stumbled into depression that year myself as I barely managed to scrape by with C's in some classes. A straight A student since like first grade was now getting C's. I couldn't do it. I thought I would refresh my spirits by seeing my grandparents in Florida for spring break.

I went for that week and did nothing but hang out with my grandparents. I also read The Catcher in the Rye for the first time. Maybe that's why that book hit me so hard. I was in a funk and Holden's plight and dilemma just sang to me. That's the last time I really spent with my grandparents. They're still there but now over 3000 miles away. You know how it is.

When I got picked up from the airport, my dad told me that Joe had committed suicide during the week. I missed the funeral by a day because my folks thought it would ruin my trip by telling me while I was gone. They did the right thing.

I was mad at first. I thought about his mother finding him and cried. I thought about my own depression and cried. In the weirdest way, and I absolutely hate to say this, Joe saved my life.

I did some research on my own and found some of the serious suicide warning signs. Giving your valued possessions away. Oh my god, did that make me feel terrible. But it was a good YEAR before anything happened. His mother told me once, later, that she was glad I had the comics too.

I climbed slowly out of my depression. I transferred to community college the next year and had a fantastic academic experience. I worked hard. I ended up making a big mistake by the end of that year by grasping for what I thought was love. (Thank you, kind Lord, for rectifying that situation.) I was Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I denied counsel of friends and family.

When that marriage was ending in flames, I mean hell, I was at the bottom again. I didn't have friends or family because of this whole fiasco that I had made. I sat there on the sofa with a bottle of pills. I even swallowed some. And then a thought:

Joe.

I got up.

I moved on with my life. I went back to my family and friends. And you know what? They took me back. I still remember Brian during karaoke saying, "Here's a song that someobdy stole from the B-52's; we're stealing it back," as he and a lady sang "Love Shack." That was a brilliant reference to U2, one of Brian's and my favorite bands, and a song at a wedding. I thank him for that.

I still needed a change. I was still too close to all those bad memories. Friends and family helped immensely but somehow there were still bad thoughts. So I moved.

Not to a new town. I moved 2000 miles away. My aunt and uncle lived in Redmond, Washington. I really upset them once, before that other marriage over something stupid (kids at the wedding that she didn't want). I apologized and they accepted. I knew if I went out there I could find a new mortgage job. I did. I moved out within two weeks. Within two weeks, I had driven out there, found a job, drove back, packed up my stuff in a UHaul and drove out again. Three cross country trips in two weeks. That was one of the best times of my life. I enjoyed the company of myself, probably for the first time.

Still a bit lonely, but ok, I put a stupid little ad on AOL's Love@AOL site. Amy answered. I was nervous about meeting her because she already had a five year old. I decided to meet her anyway because we had hit it off on the phone.

That's when I went to that Perkengruven Cafe in the U District in Seattle. Amy and I met and had a blast that night. We kept meeting. I met Morgan with a Disney book and we hit it off. I began teaching her to read with that book. Eventually, we married in October of 2000. All three of us. I gave Morgan a ring on the wedding day too. That was one of the best days of my life. All my family was there. All of them.

And then came the best day of my life. April 19, 2003. I was already in love with another little girl named Morgan and couldn't imagine my life without her. I was her father because the other shmuck wasn't there. I wasn't there for her birth though. Madison was born at 8:35 am on April 19, 2003. I cried for joy as I watched her being born. In a way, I also experienced Morgan's birth that day too. I knew what it felt like. I now had two beautiful little girls. Two daughters. My two daughters.

I have called Madison "my reason" before on this blog. Now you know why. As I watched them clean Madison off, I thought to myself, "I almost missed this." I thought of Joe. I still think of Joe when I think that Madison almost wasn't here. And I don't know what Morgan wouldn't have done without a father.

I think of Joe whenever I think about life. I'd like him to know that I learned something from him.

I found my reasons, Joe. I'm sorry that you didn't. Sometimes, it just takes a while.